in Your Name, ya Quddus ya Batin

with blessings and peace upon Your prophet and his family

i come to You as a traveler in need of water

lost in the desert

for over a decade

i no longer have power left to search

for life-giving drops

that will quench my thirst

and allow me to escape the pain of heat

searing unbearable heat

i just want to know what You know

and to do what You have ordered

to the best of my ability

so i ask You

did You tell Your prophet to appoint his cousin and son-in-law

to lead us after his passing

i just don’t know

it seems odd that a prophet who taught us how to use the bathroom

would not speak directly to his succession

it seems odd that You would talk over and over again in the Qur’an

about the disobedient followers of previous prophets, upon them peace

and then that information wouldn’t be relevant to our ummah

it seems odd that our prophet would say

“man kuntu mawlahu fa ‘ali mawlahu”

just because some of the soldiers returning from yemen were disgruntled

it seems odd that You would go to such lengths to grant us guidance

and help us with the support of angels

and then leave us to ourselves

to haggle and tussle at saqifa bani sa’ida

while the body of Your beloved lay unburied

upon him and his family be blessings and peace

it seems odd that the one who had stood by him since the beginning

the one who shuttled between the care of abu talib and khadija

would face the rebellions of jamal and siffin and nahrawan

was not the first sin the arrogance of denying adam’s superiority before You

was not the first murder the result of jealousy that You preferred abel

Your Book teaches that those of high spiritual rank face enormous resentment

and expounds on the history of those who have wanted to harm them

and ‘ali b. abi talib stands at the head of virtually every sufi turuq

and every shi’i imamate

so what sort of rank must his be

what sort of man did You create in ‘ali

that even those who dedicate their lives to him

claim to not know him

and even in the books of those who argue that You did not appoint him

it states the Your beloved said to him

“wherever you are, you are with the just and justice is with you!”

is that not what everyone is saying

with their tongues and their hearts

that they want to stand with justice

and so how can i not yearn to stand with him

and thus save my self from Your justice

but i was not there

and i do not know what transpired

i do not know exactly what ‘ali said when and where and how

all i have are books from centuries later

pieces of the puzzle

that i have been searching within for so long

looking for a way forward

and when they talk of the wisdom of the ‘ulama

i see it on both sides

but i also see

that none of them are ‘ali

not sistani, not al-yaqoubi, not khomeini, not habib ‘umar

they are rather ‘ali’s grandchildren

yet i know my sins

and my ignorance

and my weaknesses

and due to that

i hesitate to claim that i know better

than abu bakr and ‘umar and a’isha

when even al-kafi states

that ‘ali described the possessor of intellect thus:

“he believes in his heart that all people are better than he,

and that he is the worst of them.”

and so I seek refuge in Your Perfection from my imperfection

in Your Knowledge from my ignorance

in Your Justice from my injustice

in Your Mercy from my hard heartedness

in Your Guidance from my misguidance

and ask You alone to resolve this question for me

to let me drink from the pure waters of Your Truth

ya Haqq

unmediated by historians and muhaddiths

whom no one considers ma’sum

unfettered by attachments to living ‘ulama

who are all students at the gate to the city of knowledge

ya Allah ya Allah ya Allah

i believe in Your Book and however You intended it to be understood

i believe in Your Messenger and however You intended him to be followed

and i lay my agency before You

and ask You to save me

ya Samad

ya Arham al-rahimeen

la ilaha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu min al-dhalimeen