today

i am what i am

a boy of 19 years old

in the body of a man many years later

 

i remember now

who i used to be

and how i longed to fight in Your name

but since forgotten

 

i do not fear death

i fear the thousand ways the living forget

 

so today

i have no room left for grief

in this pulsating heart

i only yearn to raise a sword

against the enemies of God

wherever they may be

even within

 

perhaps i am not who i should be

surely, i can be critiqued

but today

i am where i am

staying up all night

by your side

to watch the dawn emerge

 

i cannot find the words

except as transmitted through my master’s servant Kumayl

 

My Lord! My Lord! My Lord!

I ask You by Your Truth and Your Holiness

And the greatest of Your Attributes and Names,

That You make my times in the night and the day inhabited by Your remembrance,

And joined to Your service

And my works acceptable to You

So that my works and my litanies may all be a single litany

And my occupation with Your service everlasting.

My Master! O He upon whom I depend!

O He to whom I complain about my states!

My Lord! My Lord! My Lord!

Strengthen my bodily members in Your service,

And fortify my ribs in determination

And bestow upon me earnestness in my fear of You

And continuity in my being joined to Your service

So that I may move easily toward You in the battlefields of the foremost

 

For if I cannot die in Your way today, my Lord

I can offer up the rest of my life as recompense

A seeker who is sought

A servant who is seeking

Sword brought down upon illusion

Slaying the demons within

Opposed to the whispers from without

Decimating the glittering distractions

 

Where has fear gone?

Where has weakness gone?

Where has tiredness fled to?

 

There are only two concerns

Outward obedience to my Commander’s orders

Inward struggle to make my movements sincere

 

So you can have your religion of peace

Mine is a religion of war

And my bones are still strong

my blood still pumps in my veins

and there is a fire in my heart

 

beware world

you cannot pacify me

for I would rather die than live

and since I live

by my Lord’s decree

be prepared for battle

 

there are only two options

victory or death

and so as long as I still have a breath

I seek conquest

in the combat of life