i know now that in the past i was deluded

i know that i thought i had done enough to earn a reward

i thought that i was going to be compensated for my struggles with something that i wanted

and i thought it was all a sign that i was blessed

 

but was i really worshipping God for the sake of God

or was i just doing things to get something better than what i had left

the worship of a capitalist

but my capital is nothing but hope

ارْحَم مَّن رَّأْسُ مَاِلهِ الرَّجَاءُ

 

remember Ayyub عليه السلام

remember Husayn عليه السلام

and know that God is being gentle with me because i am weak

they were better than me in the Heavens

and received worse than me on this earth

 

yes, my Lord, i am weak

i stand before You on this day knowing how weak i am

and i admit that i have not persevered enough in opposing what You do not like

nor have i persevered enough in doing what You like

nor have i persevered enough in accepting what You have decreed

nor have i attained real sincerity in doing that for Your sake alone

 

all i have is the hope that You are the Most Merciful of those who show mercy

and where i am weak, You are Strong

where i am sinful, You are Forgiving

لا إله إلا أنت سبحانك إني كنت من الظالمين

 

and Thank You for bringing me to this day

to realize it is a mercy that i am still alive

so that i have some hope to remove these evils from within

before I end up carrying them with me into the barzakh

 

وَمَا تَوْفِيقِي إِلَّا بِاللَّهِ عَلَيْهِ تَوَكَّلْتُ وَإِلَيْهِ أُنِيبُ