A Mercy Case

,

the darkest nights

a mercy case
3–4 minutes

these are the darkest nights

the ones that i write about

and then erase

when hope comes again

but you need to know

that sometimes the darkness is so deep

i don’t know how the world will ever be bright again

 

in these nights

i don’t give up on God

because in the dark He is all i have

that He will carry me through

because i have nothing left to give

 

i’m not supposed to talk about the darkness

but this record wouldn’t be real

wouldn’t be true

wouldn’t be helpful

it i did not write these tears onto your screen

 

i can’t believe i am here again

even though i have given everything i have

trying not to be here again

قدر الله و ما شاء فعل

 

there is no way out

there is only the grave

there is no hope in this world

there is only God’s just judgement

and living and dying with hope in His mercy

because fear is all encompassing now

for when i try to “plant [my] own garden and decorate [my] own soul

instead of waiting for someone to bring [me] flowers”

i am reminded of Layla

and that there is no refuge in another’s embrace

and there is no forgetting about her by finding joy in the little things

there is only her bed which is worth giving up a thousand lives of this earth

 

why can’t it be easier

why do i have to suffer so much

all i can do is repent

i have nothing else

i must be so off

to end up here once again

there must be

there has to be

“something inappropriate about me that needs to be adjusted”

that seems to be the only possible conclusion

 

but the truth is

i don’t really know

all i know is the pain

and that only One can save me

even though i don’t know how

i just know that, somehow, He always has

 

this is me

this is the me that you don’t see

this is the me that

in-the-past-i-have-done-so-many-things-to-myself-just-to-numb-the-pain-so-i-can

survive

but i can’t go back down that road

by God (بالله) and for God (لله), i will never turn back

even if this world breaks me

even if by next week i have nothing

even if i lose another 45 pounds

even if i go blind from all the tears

i will not go back

i will fight this because this is all i have

this is what i have fought for with everything i have

this is what i have decided means more than anything else

i will not squander the little victories that have kept the darkness from taking over

لا إله إلا الله محمد رسول الله

til my dying breath, insha’Allah

 

i have no idea how i will ever make it through this

all i have is God

because He is the only One who could ever grasp what this has all meant

i thought i wasn’t a convert

but i am

the one who loved this life for 19 years but whose eyes are now filled with death

the one who has to keep giving something up

trying to love the prison (سجن) that i have built

with rules (أحكام) and subtle moral hints (ورع) and self denial (زهد)

held together by the cement of raw belief (إيمان)

that if i keep struggling (مجاهدة) against my self (نفس) and the world (دنيا)

i will be dipped into the highest Garden (جنة الفردوس)

and in an instant

this will all have been worth it

and the darkness will never come back

and the struggles of my one unique life

will seem like nothing more than a particularly difficult evening (إلا عشية)

that has now passed

-depression-19250131-500-353

6 responses to “the darkest nights”

  1. azizac Avatar
    azizac

    I haven’t been on here in so long but I have been following your blog through email notifications and have greatly benefited and been inspired by it. This entry demands a comment. I believe, rightly or wrongly, that without knowing darkness you cannot know light. People may define knowing in different ways and I leave that up to them. We all experience and are tested with pain, love and loss. Be patient – a mentor of mine told me this phrase bought comfort to him, and it has to me “And this too shall pass”. It’s funny how are darkest moments grow dim and distant with time and fade away when we are filled with happiness. That is what I imagine heaven will be like – that feeling that it was all worth it, if only I knew I would have been patient and lived life different. I’ve been blessed to have tasted that feeling in this life alhamdulilah. Unfortunately the darkness comes creeping in or flares up when you least expect it, so it must be dealt with. Again and again.

    It’s important to cling to God – God is eternal – when there’s nothing left to hold to, there’s still God, and that means there is hope. I have suffered a lot, and not always gracefully, its easy to fall into destructive tendencies in the name of “numbing the pain”. But as life teaches you, the the right way is almsot never the easy way. As I’ve grown and matured I’ve striven to suffer with dignity and embrace the pain in positive ways- for in my mind, there’s is some poetic beauty in that. Like your words. And God loves beauty.

    Reply
  2. The Time is Now to Change Our Hearts | A Mercy Case

    […] freedom that you feel on a Friday night when the work week is done. It is more somber, and sometimes it hurts more than anything. Because maybe what we really want is not what God wants for us. Or maybe what we want from God is […]

    Reply
  3. i hate my self | A Mercy Case

    […] struggles, the overwhelmingness of earthly injustice, hope for liberation, imperfect foundations, being overwhelmed by darkness, and so much more. What I have never mentioned is flirting with the final […]

    Reply
  4. empty spaces | A Mercy Case

    […] that even though at times it has hurt so much […]

    Reply
  5. my guide |

    […] me, seems a boundless night this evening stretches endlessly just when i think of letting go whispers my heart, your name to […]

    Reply
  6. On Anthony Bourdain | A Mercy Case

    […] darker side of me, left over from my days before Islam, subtly wished I could just eat and drink anything like he did. If a people’s food represents […]

    Reply

Leave a reply to On Anthony Bourdain | A Mercy Case Cancel reply