“If this is all there is, Dave, then hold on to each moment of it with every ounce of your being.”
I loved life when I was younger. The world was so alive then, and I with it. But with each success, with each reaffirmation of my serendipitous good fortune, and with each painful challenge overcome, I began to want more.
For whatever reason, religion seemed to be the path to that “more.” And so I plunged into its depths, ever the window shopper. “Yes, I want more,” I told myself, “but not if it is not true.” I can feel the intoxicating warmth of a body next to mine, I can run through the dimly-lit streets at night with my friends, I can see somebody strum a guitar and feel my heart move accordingly. As a friend of yesteryear would one day write, “Say a prayer, but let the good times roll, in case God doesn’t show.” (may God grant him the most abundant blessings of this life and next, ameen)
“If this is all there is, Dave, then hold on to each moment of it with every ounce of your being.”
I was able to dismiss much of religion as a human construction, but there were things which, in their turn, challenged me. When that happened, my grip on what I knew, what I loved, would tighten. One of my greatest fears became the idea that I would trade the bounties of life for a lie. Only on my deathbed would I feel the pain of what I had missed, and by then it would be too late. Nothingness would come.
But after years of psychological, sociological, and philosophical due diligence, I came to believe that Islam was the truest way of understanding existence. I reached a point where I could not not be Muslim.
As the years went by as a Muslim, I struggled. It was much harder than I thought it would be, and my life before Islam became so shiningly idyllic, like the ever longed for Rosebud. Without even realizing it, I built up layers of resentment at my chosen faith. I felt like I had to just toil, and that was it. If it was God or the world, then how could I not choose God, even if it felt like it was making my life miserable? To do otherwise would just be to act in bad faith.
At a certain point, I found myself making prayers like, “Dear God, if You are pleased with me, and I can be with You, then please take my life now.” I made my choice then, and let go of everything I had been trying so hard to hold on to. When it didn’t happen, I thought, “Well, what now?” Ultimately, only God can decide those matters, so I just tried to do something worthwhile with my time here. I continued forward as best I knew how.
“If this is all there is, Dave, then hold on to each moment of it with every ounce of your being.”
But the thing about the world is that it is attractive and we get wrapped up in it. At first, we can show some restraint. But with each passing attachment, with each seductive opportunity passed by, we start to give in to her charms. I prayed for God to fill me up with something that would help me to deal with these trials.
He did, and God deserves all praise. I didn’t know it then, but I know it now. The choice is not between this world and God. The choice is between what we think this world is, and what it actually is. The snow encased branches of New Hampshire trees, the strains of melody that reach inside us, the comfort of the ones we love – all are more beautiful than we could ever have imagined, because they all reflect the Beauty of the One whose Beauty surpasses all. My heart has grown so much wider, as it expands to contain the love I feel for where God has placed me. How wrong I was. How blind I was. I am lost in the embrace of the Most Merciful, and I hope He never lets me go.
My dearest love, let me never again put anything above You. Let me live in a way that will please You. Let me never abandon You when things get tough. Take my hands, feet, eyes, and ears and turn them towards that which You want for us, and away from that which You do not want for us. Protect me from ever causing mischief on this earth, and allow me to celebrate Your praise and proclaim Your holiness, in this world and the next! And please forgive me when I make mistakes or am selfish, which will happen, but let me always return to You, with the hope that You will take me back. When we show up at Your door with tears in our eyes, you never let us stay outside in the rain, but rather bring us into the warmth and comfort of Your love.
If being in this world is better for me, then cause me to remain, and if being in the next is better, than cause me to leave. I am your slave.
“Hold on to this, Dave, with all your being, because there is so much more. So much more than you ever imagined.”
A Mercy Case 
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