A Mercy Case

In loving memory of Nishat Aunti/Ammi/Mumanijan, may Allah have mercy on her and reunite us in the company of the Messenger of God

I always thought I was going to write my spiritual autobiography, but I know now that I cannot. God has veiled so much from the the eyes of others, and it is bad etiquette to disclose the secrets that God has hidden. But I want to share with you the thesis of this unwritten narrative nonetheless.

I have been saved by Mercy, over and over again. There is something inside of me – a selfishness, a pathology, a disease – that has infected my life. It has kept me from being truly grateful for the immense blessings I have been given, and instead preferred base desires, egotistical control, delicious seductions, pleasure-in-pain, and so many other forms of oppression over the pure soul (ruh) that I now know is real. But Mercy (al-Rahman al-Raheem) and Light (al-Nur) are far stronger than the self-oppression and darknesses of this evanescent world. When I remember that, all I can I say is “praise be to God who guided us to this, for never would we have been guided if God had not guided us.”

Shaykh ‘Abd al-Qadir writes, “Three things inevitably demand the attention of every believer under all circumstances. A commandment to be obeyed, a prohibition to be respected, and a divine decree to be accepted with good grace. In even the most trivial situation, at least one of the three is bound to apply. The believer must therefore keep his mind and feelings focused upon them, talk to himself about them, and practice the physical self-discipline they require of him at all times.” [Revelations of the Unseen, trans. of Futuh al-Ghayb by Muhtar Holland, p. 9]

My entire spiritual journey in Islam, since October 1998 until February 2013, has been about my struggle to live up to that paragraph. I am still not there yet, but I’ll keep trying and relying on the Strong (al-Qawi) when I am weak, the All-Knowing (al-Aleem) when I am ignorant, and the Most Merciful of those who show mercy (arham al-rahimeen) when that thing inside me fights back and says, “No! I am in control.” It is proof enough that the the Lord of the worlds is Mercy beyond comprehension when we are not obliterated the first time we talk back. Instead, like our distant ancestors Adam and Hawwa, we are given a chance to say, “Our Lord, we have wronged our own souls. If you do not forgive us and have mercy on us, then truly we will be lost!”

Deepest thanks go to those who have played an unambiguously positive role, through word and deed, in helping me to grapple with this. Without them, I do not know where I would be. Some are very close to me, like Nishat. Others I met only once, like this young scholar named Omar. Still others, like Shaykh ‘Abd al-Qadir, I have known only through their words. But all of them have been manifestations of “they encourage one another to Truth and they encourage one another to patience.”

The narrative will not end until I die, and I pray that God grants me, by Mercy, the death of “those brought near (al-muqarrabun)” as described in the end of Surah al-Waqi’a. I will always need to ask for forgiveness for my rebellions against the Possessor of Sovereignty (Malik al-Mulk), for the Prophet Muhammad, the best human being that there will ever be from the first to the last, said, “O people, repent to your Lord, for verily I seek forgiveness from Allah and repent to him more than seventy times in a day.” May blessings and peace be upon him and his family for all eternity!