I have come to terms with the fact that I am what I am. I am the product of all my choices, the good ones and the bad. I am the manifestation of the failures of the past and the victorys won. I take responsibility for all of it.
There is little use in grieving for who I am today. I know I have tried to be something, yet I am not what I hoped I would be. Rather, I am what I am. I am surrounded by God’s grace, which sustains my breath and keeps me from crushing suffering despite my many faults.
When it comes to knowledge, I know the depths upon depths of my ignorance. When it comes to piety, I know the strength of rebelliousness within me. When it comes to self sacrifice, I know that the “I, me, mine” fights bitterly for its territory.
What I do not know is what tomorrow will bring. The things that I want are out of my reach, and trying to be okay with that takes me to the limits of my current ethical and spiritual possibilities. The fact that I have discovered these limits saddens me – the most potent reminder of my own weakness.
I cannot conceive of a grand project to absorb my energies, because I have already exhausted myself in the struggle against my own self. So what do I do?
I write these words – a document of me as I am. This is not a rousing call to be who I want to be; rather, this is an embracing of the reality of this moment, as God intended it to be, always. It could not have been different.
What I can do is pray. In this moment, I can turn to the Generous and show gratitude for everything that has been granted, and ask the Forgiving to forgive me for not being content with that which has been withheld. I can learn the words of our Prophet (may the Creator who created him bless him eternally), who anticipates our needs by giving us words which express that which we need so clearly…
“Oh Allah, our Lord, all praises be to You, as much as they can fill the heavens and the earth and everything which You want to be filled after that. You deserve to be praised and glorified. You deserve more than what Your servant has said and all of us are Your servants. Nobody can prevent whatever You want to give and nobody can give whatever You want to prevent and a person with high rank cannot benefit himself or another from his high rank against Your will.”