these are the darkest nights
the ones that i write about
and then erase
when hope comes again
but you need to know
that sometimes the darkness is so deep
i don’t know how the world will ever be bright again
in these nights
i don’t give up on God
because in the dark He is all i have
that He will carry me through
because i have nothing left to give
i’m not supposed to talk about the darkness
but this record wouldn’t be real
wouldn’t be true
wouldn’t be helpful
it i did not write these tears onto your screen
i can’t believe i am here again
even though i have given everything i have
trying not to be here again
قدر الله و ما شاء فعل
there is no way out
there is only the grave
there is no hope in this world
there is only God’s just judgement
and living and dying with hope in His mercy
because fear is all encompassing now
for when i try to “plant [my] own garden and decorate [my] own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring [me] flowers”
i am reminded of Layla
and that there is no refuge in another’s embrace
and there is no forgetting about her by finding joy in the little things
there is only her bed which is worth giving up a thousand lives of this earth
why can’t it be easier
why do i have to suffer so much
all i can do is repent
i have nothing else
i must be so off
to end up here once again
there must be
there has to be
“something inappropriate about me that needs to be adjusted”
that seems to be the only possible conclusion
but the truth is
i don’t really know
all i know is the pain
and that only One can save me
even though i don’t know how
i just know that, somehow, He always has
this is me
this is the me that you don’t see
this is the me that
in-the-past-i-have-done-so-many-things-to-myself-just-to-numb-the-pain-so-i-can
survive
but i can’t go back down that road
by God (بالله) and for God (لله), i will never turn back
even if this world breaks me
even if by next week i have nothing
even if i lose another 45 pounds
even if i go blind from all the tears
i will not go back
i will fight this because this is all i have
this is what i have fought for with everything i have
this is what i have decided means more than anything else
i will not squander the little victories that have kept the darkness from taking over
لا إله إلا الله محمد رسول الله
til my dying breath, insha’Allah
i have no idea how i will ever make it through this
all i have is God
because He is the only One who could ever grasp what this has all meant
i thought i wasn’t a convert
the one who loved this life for 19 years but whose eyes are now filled with death
the one who has to keep giving something up
trying to love the prison (سجن) that i have built
with rules (أحكام) and subtle moral hints (ورع) and self denial (زهد)
held together by the cement of raw belief (إيمان)
that if i keep struggling (مجاهدة) against my self (نفس) and the world (دنيا)
i will be dipped into the highest Garden (جنة الفردوس)
and in an instant
this will all have been worth it
and the darkness will never come back
and the struggles of my one unique life
will seem like nothing more than a particularly difficult evening (إلا عشية)
that has now passed
A Mercy Case 