He stood there, in a black trench coat, a black kufi, a black dress shirt, and a black tie. Whiter than me, it seemed, maybe because he was wearing black on black, or perhaps because, as I would find out later, he didn’t like being out in the sun because it hurt his eyes. An unexpected encounter, to say the least. Little did I know then that 9 years later I would be reliving it so vividly.
It was 1999, and his name was Seth Carney, but he introduced himself as ‘Abd al-Hakeem (“The Servant of the Wise”). I was really excited to meet him, another white convert to Islam. After that initial encounter, we would often spend long nights together, talking about Islam, politics, comparative religions, philosophy, and so much more. He used to show up outside my window at midnight, and we’d drive to Dunkin Donuts for a late night snack: sometimes donuts, sometimes an egg and cheese, and he usually drank apple juice. We’d go back to his apartment in East Providence. Books everywhere. Heidegger, al-Ghazali, and everything in between.
One night, he said I had to watch this movie called the Big Lebowski. He explained to me how there were all these references to his alma mater, Simon’s Rock (a sort of high school/college in the Berkshires), in the movie. I loved it, and have probably watched it 20 times since then. Every time it makes me think of him. Tonight I watched it again, for the first time since I learned about his death in 2007.
By the end of the movie, I had tears streaming down my face. The hardest part about loving people is the pain that we feel at their absence. The more we care, and the more open we are, the more it hurts. I wish I could see Seth again. If I had known that time I visited Chicago when he was in Wisconsin was the last time we could have met in this life, I would have driven out in the middle of the night to see him one last time. But I thought I had time. We always do.
As much as I have faith that God is real and that the life after death is real, death is a test. To know with absolute certainty that you will never see someone again in this life forces us to be honest with ourselves. Do we really think we could see them again? Do we really think we could see their face shining back at us, and throw our arms around them in an embrace that fills the void in our hearts? It is my hope, and it is my faith, but right now, loss is real.
This weekend began with so much happiness and fun I could hardly handle it, and it was the people that made it special. Such wonderful people. As the weekend progressed, I kept feeling a creeping sense of loneliness, as I palpably experienced the truism that all good things must come to an end. And now it ends with the remembrance of Seth.
It would have been easier to be cold. It would have been easier to not develop a friendship with him. It would have been easier not to share myself, and my dreams, and my fears. It would have been easier to say, “No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you in the middle of the night and eat donuts and discuss contemporary Islamic thought and stay up til fajr and then go to the masjid and then have you drive me home.” It would have been so much easier. But I would have missed so much. I wouldn’t trade those days for anything.
So, despite tonight’s outpouring of emotion, I’ll wake up tomorrow in that familiar way. With that feeling that I am strong, and that I have absorbed the pain into my being, and that it’s time to move forward. The bond that Seth and I shared was based on the fact that we both worshipped the Living One who does not die, and He has decreed that my story is not yet over. There is still something for me here.
But we own nothing, not even our selves. We can no more hold onto those we love than we can hold onto our own lives. On Fridays, we can be open to what the world may hold in store for us, and drink it in. But on Sundays, on nights like tonight, we have to be willing to let it go. But we can at the very least, on nights like tonight, take the time to say to those who are in our hearts: “I love you. If I knew tonight was the last chance we had to see each other in this life, I’d drop everything and drive all night to get to you before sunrise.” May an angel of mercy carry my message to you as a gift from across the distance that separates us.
Hasbuna Allahu wa ni’ma al-wakeel (“God is sufficient for us and the best Disposer of Affairs”)
A Mercy Case 
Assalamu alaikum,
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Salaam Alaikum,
Beautiful Dave, and touching. May Allah unite you both in His presence.
…I guess if one could really really take your words to heart, every parting would be a significant occasion–considering its potential finality. To live each moment…and to find so much rich, remembered companionship in our lonely hearts even when the distance seems far…jazak Allah khair for giving me so much food for thought.
A loss of love. A moment of dispair. This hurt becomes a shivering numb–churning in the stomach, pang in the heart, weightlessness, silent cries, a lump in the throat–something dies. Realization’s heavy hand and stronger acceptance becomes maturity’s land.
A truely pure exquisite love, where you hurt so much and remain utterly thankful to the One above.
Wallah, jazakullahkhair.
“We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence.”
– Joseph Roux
I’ve been wanting to respond to this posting for a long time now but was at a loss for words. However, a visit to the cemetary yesterday and a drive down Wheaton’s Main Street today brought the feelings of loss and longing to the surface again and completely engulfed me.
My deepest sympathies Dave on the loss of a beloved friend. I pray to Allah(swt) for him and for all the loved ones we have lost. May He grant them a place in jannah.ameen.
We just found this on the web. He is our son and we miss him terribly too. Thank you for your lovely remembrance.
Hello:
I am very saddened to hear about the death of your son who touched many lives including mine. I met him couple of times in Dearborn, Michigan and listened to his beautiful lectures. He had a wealth of knowledge and wisdom, a great pleasant personality that would be dearly missed. I just wanted to ask you if there was any clues or leads to who murdered him. I hope those criminals would pay the price in a court of law.
May God bless you, your family and his soul, and will always remember him.
Regards,
Fouad
Dearest Seth, my beautifull little brother, my great teacher, my friend, and mentor… You and I went through a lot. We hardly said anything that we never shared that opinion, or the idea,.
I will always miss you, and as I said it that (last)firday if you dont show up there is no birthday party for me, I have kept my word….I wished I would have just shown up and picked you up as always, I wished…I wished you would have called me as you always did…you promised. I still dont believe it nor does the kids when they still ask about their uncle carney.
You know man, I still dont think I can go through with this letter, just call me, do something. I miss you bro. Miss you so bad it hurts. Need to hear your voice again…so I can call your ma and say that I told you he is ok…he is here he is not gone…..she is mistaking…
Remember we have to go to Florida for your possible marriage plans which we planned, the website we planned, all those plannings,…I am waiting. You never broke a pormise. so just say something. Lets go out for a burger, or wings…..sit back and laugh again…
By the way lots of love and greetings from all my family.
and a big hard bear hug and kiss from me
Dont forget to call
seyyed
Came across this doing an internet search. Really beautiful and moving words, brother. Hakeem and I (myself also a white convert) used to hang out all the time when he was in London.
He also introduced me to the Big Lebowski. I knew he had a lot of problems in his life from all the surreal experiences he seemed to have had in a relatively short period of time. Of course, I never got tired of listening to his stories. He is probably one of the most interesting people I will ever know. He could also make me double-over and almost die from laughter at times. A quality I enjoy in a friend!
But I still can’t believe he’s actually gone. The other day I opened up googlemail and signed into the chat feature for the first time ever, and an add request from him all those years ago popped up. It made me wish I could really “add” him and chat with him again. For a moment, I think I entertained the possibility that I’d been misinformed. That maybe it had been some practical joke gone too far. I was too afraid to type a message, in case I don’t get a reply.
I don’t know why I’m posting this here. I guess it was just nice to see that I’m not the only person still remembering Seth. To his parents, family and friends, I am sorry for your loss. To Seth, I miss you, bro.
I was just thinking about Seth and came across this page. I had known him for such a short period of time, yet I had known him a lifetime. Even now I think of him, and I miss him dearly. He was supposed to come visit me, but he passed away a few weeks before. I never had the chance to thank him for everything he had opened my eyes to. Sometimes I feel as though the whole thing was just a dream. I really miss you Seth.
I considered myself a friend of Seth. We never met, but for the better part of a year, we spoke daily. We played a game together, and we shared many laughs and thoughts. I was reminded of him very recently and I found this page with a search.
To his family, my sincere condolences.
To Seth, wherever you are. Be Well.
I’ve only just learned of Seth’s death and feel a great sense of loss. We never met but he was an inspiration.
From reading these posts, it does sound like Seth genuinely found peace within himself and ultimately contributed great positivity to the lives of many. I’m glad he was able to do this before passing.
I am Seth’s sister. I came across this posting of yours and read the comments and I am just sobbing (not that this is too unusual BC I think about Seth a lot and missing him hurts deeply). I know that he touched many people’s lives in a positive way, so I think that means that there is a little bit of him still here, with all of us.
I just bought a “dude abides” bib as a shower present for Seth’s nephew-to-be! And, I believe that we have one of Seth’s BIG LEBOWSKIE DVDs: I would like you to have it. If you are interested, please let me know.
I believe that Seth is at peace and that he can feel the heart of all of us who love him.
Everyone take care and be well,
HI, I always think of my lovely little brother I had and do cherish his memories and moments we spent together in and around Dearborn. not only me but the whole family. He spoke of you and his brother and … man do I miss him. I have tried many times to make a site where I could post some of his videos which we recorded in the IHW, and some of the articles which he had on Shiachat website. I think it is very important if his voice is still heard by the youth of all religions and specially Muslims in which I think he still can help a huge number of kids and youth to understand religion and politics and what is causing many people questions in and around their religion but can not find anyone like Dr. HI, Abdul Hakeem as open to topics and ready to open to a positive discussion.
I am sure if I can get any help from you or other members who loved and admired and appreciated him we will be able to set up a site where everyone could copy or use material which were written / interpreted or explained by him.
I still don’t celebrate birthdays as it reminds of a day when we all waited for him to show up in that sad Sunday.
Best regards to you and your family and his new Nephew.
God bless
Seyyed
Dear Seth’s Sister. I know this reply is a long time coming, but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing. I wanted to share with you that when I went to Karbala, Iraq earlier this year, I performed a religious ceremony called “ziyara” for Seth, that I know he had wanted to perform himself. It was the best way that I could think to honor our friendship and the meaning of his life for me. I hope you and your loved ones are well.
David, salaamu ‘alaikum, how are you? I pray Allah azza wa jal will forgive you and me for our sins.
My dear beloved friend, I feel your pain, your hurt, your anguish, as well as your disappointment and I wish I could wash them all away with my tears. life is short and each day slips away sometimes as though it was never there. No matter how many times someone tells us “make the most of your time” we just turn the corner any way, we can’t redo the act and start all over without losing that precious time. Wherever we are is were Allah azza wa jal puts us, alhamdulillah.
David, a few years ago I was in Baltimore, Md. to make salat, after salat I was talking with me friend. My friend gave me shahada years back and a few years after he invited me to a Dervish at a college. well we were talking after the salat in the masjid and he got a little upset because a light bulb blow out. I looked at him and I said, “everything dies”.
David, you are still growing just as all of us, if Allah azza wa jal permits He will grant you a few more seconds, a few more seconds and I pray you and I will make the most of those precious seconds Ameen.
“I wish I could see Seth again. If I had known that time I visited Chicago when he was in Wisconsin was the last time we could have met in this life, I would have driven out in the middle of the night to see him one last time. But I thought I had time. We always do”.
Habiyb
[…] a previous post, I wrote about a friend I lost a number of years ago. This past Ramadan, I wrote him a […]
[…] for the sake of making life as meaningful as possible. As I wrote many years ago about Seth, a friend who passed and for whom I also did a […]
I’m an old friend of Seth’s from undergrad (SRC). A rap group he liked just came on the radio, googled his name hoping to learn more about what he had been up to after college- I knew he had converted to islam and had heard a lecture online before. I found this post online. He was such a funny, kind, brilliant kid. And of course he often had a restless inexhaustible source of creative energy. Wish i could call him up and say hello. Thanks for recording your memories.
Subhan Allah, I had just come across the works of Br. Carney. How did the brother pass, at such a young age?
Unfortunately I do not know.
He was one of my closest friends, a true brother. I often think of him and what was done to him. In London we’d spend most nights discussing everything from Islamic mysticism to Star Wars, Tibetan Buddhism and Dante. A beautiful human being betrayed by those he sought to serve and help. Thank you for your kind words…
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